What would you do if you had a chance to start over? It’s a common and fair question, not because we regret how things were done, because we possess the power to shape our future armed with insights gleaned from the past.
When I was asked what my greatest happiness in this world is; I couldn’t think of anything other than my family – my parents and siblings. They are my blessing. No achievement could ever eclipse their significance. We don’t have a perfect relationship, but we love and support each other. I had a chance to grow up as a daddy’s girl until I distanced myself from him, as adolescents do when they are trying to find their own paths.
My friends and I had this routine of introducing our significant others to each other whenever we started a new relationship. Initially it was all in good fun until found myself falling for my best friend’s boyfriend. Cassie, my closest confidante, introduced me to Bruno, her boyfriend, and then we exchanged phone contacts. We spoke virtually every single day for hours on end; there was never enough time, and it felt like drinking from a bottomless glass. It was lovely and breathtaking. It went on until it wasn’t necessary for Cassie to e present in our chats anymore. There was an attraction between us that we labeled as best friendship, but it was more than that. We were lying to ourselves.
Bruno possessed an intellect and charisma that captivated me. He found solace in my attentive ear, while I found a source of wisdom and humor, despite our considerable age gap of ten years.
After about a month and a half of incessant phone calls, we finally agreed to meet in person. The moment our eyes met, I was blown away. We hugged tightly, almost suffocating, yet it was a moment of unparalleled sweetness and intensity. From that instant, he occupied my every thought, breath, and essence. I was terrified, feeling like I was betraying Cassie, which I clearly was, but it also felt like a breath of fresh air. I couldn’t quit. Oh my God! He was my love, second only to papa, of course, who taught me to love and to be loved. I didn’t care about my parents frustration; Bruno and I could go out for the night and come back around 11pm. “An underage girl with no manners,” my mom would say.
Cassie, a calm and composed girl, didn’t say a word upon knowing the truth. Bruno told her everything— about our affair. We kept our friendship for a while as if nothing had happened. I didn’t have the courage to tell her anything, and she never asked, but with time, the friendship faded away, leaving only the humiliation of what I had done: snatching my best friend’s man.
There’s a legal term, “Offences Against Property,” used in the law sector. I’m not well-versed in law but my father was accused of committing the aforementioned crime. Concurrently, I discovered that Bruno had become engaged to another girl who resided abroad, realizing that I had merely been a temporary distraction for him while he awaited his fiancée’s return. In the span of what? 6-7 months? Is it merely a coincidence? Beats me. Regret consumed me for every moment spent with him; I should have stood by my father’s side. It baffles me how these events aligned to strike me so suddenly. In an instant, I lost my closest confidant, an illusion of a boyfriend, and the love of my life was torn away. I yearned for Cassie’s presence, I wanted her to know how sorry I was, however considering the passage of time, I didn’t know how to apologize.
Have you ever gazed upon the sky, attempting to decipher the clouds? Seeking a sign that this isn’t the end.
I feel lost
Where is the wind to carry me to where he is?
We were once a beautiful family. I used to jump upon my father’s knees, playing joyously. I was his little Princess and he, my King—still is. When accusations of various crimes arose against him, they hid the truth from us, perhaps to spare our emotions, until they took him away. Around 4pm, they embarked at home.
But he is innocent! A man of truth, loyalty, hard work, and faith. He does not deserve this
I refuse to succumb to this anguish that gnaws at my heart.
I wish the world would pause for just a moment. He should be here with me, with us, living the life he fought so bravely for. We still need him.
I long for him to comprehend the depth of my feelings. I fear he remains unaware.
I’m urged to move on, to cease dwelling on these thoughts; however, I find myself incapable of taking even a single step. He should be here with me. Or we could have lingered in that moment of Christmas, just the two of us.
Had I known life’s cruelty, I would have clung to him tighter, never letting him slip from my gaze. I ache for him. It’s unbearable.
We’re still on the same planet earth, beneath the same sky, within the same nation, thought he feels so distant to me, like he was in another galaxy. We’re no longer the same as we once were, nothing is ever the same.
How can he perceive that my heart taken with him in those four walls? How?
I know he would not wish for me to suffer so, but how can I not? It seems the only option I’m left with.
I am adrift.
God should have consulted me, or at the very least, warned me. Perhaps He did, though I failed to heed His call. It seemed too good to last.
I have everything here, yet all I desire is him!
Last night, I dreamt of drowning. Though I knew how to swim, I made no attempt to do so, but I awoke. So technically, I didn’t drown. I’m incapable of making an effort
I’m thinking, if I didn’t love him so fiercely, would it have made a difference? Would my suffering be lessened?
He is accused of crimes he did not commit. It is unjust, and I feel as though I’m not truly living anymore without his freedom.
This ordeal will forever scar us both. Will my heart ever mend?
Let’s keep talking about him for hours, days, until I’m reunited with him. Shall we?
Why me? Why him? Why not another, or none at all? But perhaps I’m being selfish. I yearn to know the positive amidst this turmoil. Was this the predetermined path of life? We never anticipate joy or sorrow as acutely as when they come to pass. It’s as if I gathered myself only to be shattered once more.
I wanted to challenge the forces that unjustly stripped him of his right to live and move freely. But I was repeatedly denied the opportunity to meet him during my visits to the police custody.
How can I trust that he receives my messages in earnest? Do they convey the depth of emotion I harbour for him? Do they inform him of my tears, of my longing to hug him tightly?
I tried to depart, towards the cab, but in vain. A strange feeling of heaviness weighed down my heart and body. I barely looked up in the sky, the single place our eyes could meet.
Once I was allowed to meet him, I heard his voice flowing from all directions, like air moving in space and reaching the ears. Every single word that came out from his mouth echoed within me; my auditory nerve was duplicating the information as if we were speaking in code.
Witnessing his fleeting smile, I dared to dream once more. That everything will be alright.
“How are you? How is school? He inquired
My heart swelled with joy. “I’m doing great; school is going well,” I replied, so as not to burden him.
“That’s wonderful. I’m managing here too, you know, among good company, and I’m confident of returning home soon,” he assured me. But deep down I knew this statement was a lie.
Every tick of the clock counted, time was up for him to return inside. I stared at him as he was leaving, like a feather in wind, all I wanted was more time with him. I was left there with my mother, and I so badly wanted to tell her how I was feeling, but I was afraid I’d hurt her, she was probably more upset or felt alone than I did.
After a couple of months, Bruno reach out to me;
“Hello,” he greets.
My heart skips a beat; I recognize his voice. “Hello,” I respond.
“It’s me, Bruno,” he reveals.
“Oh, hey!”
“How have you been? It’s been a while since we’ve spoken.”
“Uh, not bad,” I admit, realizing I miss our friendship more than I thought. The ange dissipates.
“I understand you were hurt by what happened, but it was never my intention. We simply crossed paths at the wrong time…” His words leave a void larger than he could imagine.
“No, it’s okay, I moved on.”
“I admire your maturity despite you age. We could have been,…”
I cut him off, cause he was bringing me back to the dreams I had about us.
“What’s this call about? I inquire
A deep sigh; “I want you to know that I’m still in love with you. I wanted to get married and you know you’re still young” he added. What a jerk. Is that an excuse? Really?
”Listen, a lot happened in the past couple of months. I’m not really into this conversation, I, I can’t.” I hung up and blocked his number straight away.
Perhaps I should have told him how mad I was at him but I don’t think it’d have changed a thing.
How can you make an agreement not to feel something? Feelings aren’t under our conscious control. We can only make commitments about how we will react, since we do have conscious control of our actions.
My joy is thanks to my 2 beautiful sisters that have been so compassionate and non judgmental in regards to my choices, for most of the time I was upset about myself for things that I’d have prevented. They helped me accept my past, heal and learn from my mistakes. It opened my eyes to see the real gifts of life and made me even a wiser person that I am right now.
If you’re being confronted with a bad decision you’ve made in your social/professional life, don’t be hard on yourself. Let it and learn from it. I promise the future holds so many opportunities, new horizons that you wouldn’t trade for your past and self accusation.
