SECRET DIARY

I was ready for a relationship; he asked me out many times, I think since we were in high school but wasn’t interested until he became a soldier; I respect those people for their bravely and sacrifices. So it’s a sign, right? I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long. I feel good and a slight pride to be dating this honorable person, and Gosh what in the whole world he’s become a gorgeous man with such a perfectly shaped body, tall enough for me to wear a 15cm high heel, plus he smells good. The joy in me is burning out; I admit I’ve never felt this way before; I want to scream loud and proud that I’ve found the one. As a normal couple, we start having dates in different bars and a few restaurants; we have no money, but that’s okay, as long as we love each other, and we make a beautiful couple.

In a flash, he introduced me to his friends, the relationship is growing. Before I knew it, I was being referred to as wifey. Yeah! Too soon, right? That’s what I thought too. The word ‘Wife’ is heavy; so much that I chuckling shake my head but accept it anyway. Jack & Will are his friends, they jokingly laugh about it. As an extrovert, it doesn’t take me long to socialize with them, but I play the mature or innocent part and ask for a soft drink.
On our way back home, we had our first kiss.

It was phenomenal.

One hand on my waist and another on my neck, his warm and soft lips on mine, he pulled my hair firmly enough to make me quiver and aroused. His body pressed closer to mine, I could feel the rapid beat of his heart and smell his breath. It felt like time had stopped and I tried to impress him as if I was rewarding him for what he’s done that evening.

Within 3 months and a half, he invited me to his apartment. He’s not an insisting man; I probably went there on his third invitation. He lived with his friend and he’s got a bigger room, of course I checked. No temptation of having sex, just kisses but looong and deep kisses.

It’s around 2pm, the phone is ringing and I’m having lunch

“Heif” (Little Heifer, that’s how he calls me),

“Yes”

Usually I call him Sta (as Stallion)

“How are you? You haven’t talked to me since morning, what happened?”

“I’m okay, nothing happened. I was just … [deep sigh], busy”

But the truth is I was mad at him for something I don’t remember.

“That’s not true, hey could you please come over to mine and we sort it out? Please!”

You know the feeling of being mad at someone and he’s trying to make it up for it? Ouh, it felt good. Of course I got to say yes, I missed him so much! I put on some jeans and a top that I saw near, took a cab right away like I was called to save someone’s life, like an ambulance. Arriving there, he was watching a movie. We barely talked. His hands on me make me shiver and his soft lips, so soft, tongue to tongue, my eyes are closed. It’s a good feeling; I don’t want this moment to end. But I’m in between I can’t go far it’s a sin, my mind is working at a very high pace, and keep going my body can’t hide the fact that I want him; I bite his lip, he holds me tighter against him.

“Are you ready for the next step?”

The desire is intense “Ugh, No; kiss me”

Wow, he’s also a decent man who doesn’t want to take advantage of the situation; I am falling in love with him even more.

The following week he didn’t need to ask the question, clearly written on my forehead:’ I want you but I’m pushing you away’. This will be my first time; I’m afraid that once I start I won’t be able to stop. I point my toes so hard like I was going to burst; so scared to do it but I give in.

He slowly removes my dress, kisses me passionately while I’m left in bra and underwear. He let me remove his t-shirt too; a bit afraid but I do it. What a beautiful body! Tenderly kissing my neck, one hand on my waist another unclasping my strapless bra – I’m screaming his name, he keeps on running his fingers along, up and down my back – my nipples pressed up against him, he turns me around to be away from him and grabs my boobs lightly (his favorite part). He slid my panties downward until my feet. I raise one leg up against his waist to let him in. Body to body, I love it this way. The slight breeze that runs across my entire body; like a long heat wave through my veins. Any fear or uncertainty feeling is completely flushed out. I feel him, so much as if each cell, each fiber of his tissues is connected to mine. I hold him so tight to myself, my nails run down his shoulders; he’s huge, very strong inside like a rock in a soft skin; I feel like I’m holding an ice, it melts in my hands.

Afterwards, we took a shower, talked about everything and nothing and he called a cab to take me back home.

No regret of what happened that day.

So the next morning I called my best friend, Lily, to tell her the news.

“Yoh”

“Bro, we did it.” I didn’t have to explain what we did; it was a long awaited thing to do

She screamed so hard that I took my phone off my ears, “Giiirl, more details, how was it? Is he good? What’s his dick’ size and color,… I need to know. Actually let’s meet up for lunch”

That’s my best friend; I too was still blushing, you know when you’re in love your brain changes, simply thinking about him triggers dopamine, oxytocin & oestrogen release; nothing I’d do without thinking about that moment.

Life got better, like living in the middle of a love song, far away from the end. It went on like that, offering me good sex; I had no one to compare him to. We would do it like animals, in the car (his friend’s), restroom, shower, couch, against walls,… you name it.

My periods are not always regular but the interval is not that significant, maybe 2-3 days but when you’re having sex nonstop even 2 hours of delay are enough to get your mind panic. So imagine, 1 whole week, every body’s reaction is a sign/alert of something – reality you don’t want to face. Long story short, it’s a beautiful morning on Tuesday and have decided to do a pregnancy test, normally it doesn’t take long but I’m somewhere between denial and delusion; I’m praying this time like I never did before but the fear is not allowing me to finish my prayer. I’m trembling, barely can hold the test the time I’m waiting. Sweats are dripping from my boobs and back, but my hands and toes are cold.

Within 5-6 minutes, as per the instructions I took a look at the test and the reality flashed right in front of my eyes, two lines, red and pink-ish goddamn lines.

I’m pregnant.

I’m in shock, I want to regain my past; have I used condoms constantly or even pills, anything but this situation, this wouldn’t happen. I cry, widely opening my eyes as if I had a bad, no, the nightmare I avoided my whole life. What am I gonna do? It’s too heavy; I can’t take this on my own. I know what I want but I’m hesitant. He’s the father; he has a say. I called him and asked if we could meet as soon as possible. Without a second thought he proposes that I should terminate the pregnancy. “We’re not ready.” Yes, I agree too. You can’t really know shit about people’s lives when you don’t pay much attention or listen to them, unless it happens to you too; I called one of my friends, Ellen, to tell her what I was going through. I thank her with all my heart for her kindness and empathy, without her I’d think the whole world was against me; she sent me a doctor’s contact information for a private clinic that could help me. Obviously my very best friend Lily whom I confide in had to know what’s going on. Sta’s contribution was money and a short message that it’ll be alright, obviously what does he know about that? Has he experienced it? Was his body carrying a little human being at the wrong time and had to get rid of it? Every second with that pregnancy was a burden on my shoulders, my heart was bleeding. Couldn’t eat anything without throwing up.

On Thursday I took a day off from work, called my best friend to ask her if she could escort me to the Doctor’s ,as if she’s the one who impregnated me, she agreed but requested me to shift to 1pm, for her job’s sake. I guess she didn’t know how hard that was for me, like the earth is turning anti-clockwise around the sun. Many private medical practitioners don’t do counseling, there’s no time for that. You know what brings you and they know what to do. Entering the corridor I saw blood drops on the floor. I swear that time you just feel your heart being removed from the chest; I was freezing, shaking, any reaction my body could throw at me to let me know that it’s against me.

Lily arrived 40 minutes past 1 when I was done. It was quick but the most painful thing that my body has ever endured. She went to buy some stuff that I needed, painkillers, pads and juice. Meanwhile Sta was checking in on me through SMS; however I wasn’t interested; he should have been there at least to hold my hand when I was being cut into pieces. The following days I had periods like normal women; normal or someone who hasn’t gone through that traumatic experience. Let me tell you one thing, the self-stigma doesn’t go away, you constantly feel like a disabled person – no I don’t know how to describe the feeling but surely a part of you is removed from your body.

That’s something that marks your relationship more than anything, forget about the first kiss, first time you said I love you to each other or first time you made love; the weight is beyond any romance you can think of. Though we stayed together and kept on having sex, hot sex, the relationship wasn’t functioning well. I learned that He was cheating on me. His best friend, Jack, told me about an affair he was having with a girl I thought was just a friend of his, but I couldn’t believe that, also because I thought to myself that maybe he wanted to see my reaction or you know? just had a lil crush on me. The love for Stallion was so fervent and powerful, I was so in love that I couldn’t deny anything for him. I thought everything was perfect so I let it all happen, and he knew that I loved him so much. He knew my feebleness. About one and half year ago, we had a trip to Lake Kivu and we happened to have a conversation around our relationship and future plans, it was one of our great moments then he interrupted me with something:

– Babe I have something to confess
– I got Goosebumps and butterflies in my stomach, but said “what?”
– Uhm, I had an affair with … (I don’t remember her name) and it was a mistake and didn’t mean anything to me; you know I love you Heif, I love you very much and I recognize that I treated you badly, you don’t deserve that. I’m so sorry babe!

With tears in his eyes; that was the first time I saw him like that but that’s not the point; he cheated. My perfect guy cheated on me. I was imagining how he shared his body and maybe his heart with somebody else while I was there giving him my all, you know what’s more tiring: when someone you’re mad at tells you the truth, I mean at least he had the courage to admit his fault and ask for forgiveness. I forgave him and loved him even more; I treasured the fact that he was the first man to take my virginity.

Just one month after, we were under lockdown, and I was pregnant again I have to acknowledge that we really did celebrate that day. I actually knew it before, with all the signs and test, but by the time I decided to do abortion we were under total lockdown. This time he said that I should keep the baby, “Heif you are my wife, you know that right?” He said. Boy needed action! My father is a pastor, my mom a very Christian woman, I have my little siblings who look up to me; no this is not what I planned, this is not what we do in our family; there has to be a marriage before conception. When you’ve made up your mind, nobody – nothing can stop you.

So as movements were prohibited, I looked for a medical practitioner nearby in our neighbourhood because I couldn’t wait for a lockdown. I didn’t know when it’s gonna end, and even if I knew, the pressure was high. My parents have started noticing changes. I couldn’t eat, stayed in my room 24 hours; they suggested to take me to the hospital but I insisted that it was going to pass, evidently I had plans to do an abortion. A medical doctor that I found was 13 Kilometres far from my home; I did the walk under high UVI, passing through local shortcuts to not be caught by police. I asked my best friend to pray for me because I felt God was so far from me – I went very far from Him, how can I dare speak to Him?

Arriving there after following complex directions that he indicated me; you have to know that abortion is not only a taboo but considered as a heartless, dirty, non-conscious act to do in our society, not saying all the difficult processes you have to go through in order to access it safely and legally. It’s in the middle of nowhere, I’m all alone, as if I did this to myself, between life and death but this time darkness has consumed light in my world. I hear the noise of the surgical instruments in the other room and I feel like all my internal organs are naked, I’m going to be cut into small and minced pieces, I can’t feel my skin, my hands and toes are sweaty.

“You can come in” he said with a happy face
I feel like asking him what’s making him smile this big, but my tongue is numb, I can’t even swallow one droplet of my saliva – it’s too weighty.

– [Sighing], this is the last time, this is the last time, this is the last time, this the las tim, ths tm … just like a candle losing its frame

During the so called operation you feel nothing going on in your body, but when he’s doing the cleaning stuff, I swear you curse the day you felt pleasure of sex. The vertebral column is detached from other parts of your body, there’s no stability, THE PAIN IS REAL.

You know what my medical doctor did after? He flirted with me, he f**king got the nerve to flirt with me; I mean, that’s beyond stupidity, but I had to act like I’m interested and give him a next appointment for my safety, what if he raped me in that dark house?, I blocked his number on my way home. I don’t know how to say this but I actually felt relieved when it was done like I can breathe again out of smoke. Then there was heavy bleeding in the following 4 days but I’ve been okay.

All through, I knew Stallion and I didn’t have the same chemistry. He is not a prayerful person and I am, he is into alcohol, soccer and sex. The whole time I felt like I’m rivaling with those 3. Day by day, I felt like I was bending myself in order to fit in the cage he had put me in.

I didn’t want to give up on us though it wasn’t getting any better. Before my 25th birthday, there was another fertilization of one of my eggs. Of course I was taking pills but not strong enough to prevent my 3rd unintended pregnancy. My body has become used to this type of medication that I was taking and developed a tolerance to it, which I devastatingly get.

It’s on Friday; I’m calling Stallion around 8pm:

“Hello Babe”

There’s too much noise around him; “Hi, uhm, do you have a minute? We need to talk”

“Heif, are you ok? Where are you?”

“I’m pregnant”

Silence kicks in; I must be the most fertile woman in the world.

“Huh, can we meet on Sunday? I’m on my way home and tomorrow I have work all …”

Are you f**king kidding? I can’t find sleep and you, you’re living your normal life. I hung up on him.

I try to keep the pregnancy to see where our relationship is going, or maybe wait on some extraterrestrial power to come to my rescue. No! Nothing happens from living to the count of my inhalations, my heart is racing like I’m having tachycardia at least that’s what I’m hoping for; anything other than pregnancy at this time and time slows down (like it’s waiting for me to stop breathing. I hate myself for being this naïve, a jerk, thoughtless, …) Huuuhhm, let me stop by here

There have been a lot of changes in my body, like the embryo has changed to fetus; it’s been more than 8 weeks now. I make a call to Lily, my best friend literally the best

“Hello” my voice is trembling

“Yoh, Besty” she says

“Now you’re going to kill me” as if I used her body instead of mine. The level of self-worth and love lowers to approximately zero.

“No, what are you talking about? What Happened?”

Sighing and having butterflies in my stomach, “You won’t get it this time,”

“No, I swear I’ll listen and don’t be mad”

She’s a very curious person; “I’m pregnant. But this time it’s the last, no matter how many times I say it to myself, Stallion doubts that it’s his. He’s using an App to check my whatsApp messages against my will, so he saw some chats that I had with ,,,”

“Wait, What?” she cut me off. “He doesn’t have any right to do that!” Now she’s speaking with anger.

“I know, and I tried to tell him that it was nothing serious about it but he doesn’t want to hear me” I’m weeping, my nose are running,

“God! Jus leav, just leave him okay?”

“Yeah! This time it’s over. Will you please come with me to .. , I take a pause, out of fear that our telecommunication company are listening to our conversation, and also shame”

“Yeah, sure! Anytime I’ll be there”

“Thank you so much! I’ve planned to do it tomorrow”

“No problem. Ok bye, take care!”

“Bye”

Right after she sends me this texto:
“Darling, I can only imagine the weight of this burden that you’re carrying, but know that you’re not alone! I’ll always try to be the friend you need as you are to me; the one that never judges or turns her back on me. So please don’t blame yourself on this because you didn’t choose to. I know the trauma that it may result in, but I’m diligently praying for you and assuring my support as I possibly can. I love you and I’m hugging you tightly!” The hug, the compassion, everything in this message resonates to my ears and makes me sob.

The D day has finally came. I’m wearing a dirty jean with a big t-shirt without makeup, and it absolutely reflects my feelings and mood right now. I try to call the doctor, who was at least kind to me, who helped me on my first abortion but the number is not going through; then I make a decision to go there nevertheless. My best friend is holding my hand; I think she saw the desperation in my eyes. The sun is shining outside but I feel so cold, I decide to call my second doctor but with another number so that he doesn’t recognize me, and he links me up with another one. This one is heartless; he speaks so harshly in addition to not provide pre & post-abortion counseling.

“You know you’re a bit late, this will be complicated and will take longer than you expected. I heard you were looking for the other Doctor,” he’s talking about my first Doctor, the one I liked a little.

“He’s in prison. Some guy ratted him out, now he has to serve 15 years or more.” He added

Do you get how dangerous it is to get this essential healthcare in my country? In addition to the trauma and stigma, you have to also hide yourself while getting this service. Before meeting with the doctor you have to tell him where you found his phone number and more importantly can’t say which service you need.

I can feel my heart in my throat, “Oh I didn’t know”

“It’s been eight months now that he’s been caught. Take these pills and wait for 2 hours”

Two hours? Sounds like 12 hours. I then go sit with Lily, who tries so hard to cheer me up, but my eyes only see darkness; the pain is unbearable. This time there’re around 5 other girls who need abortion service, and they look younger than me, more or less 18 -19 years old. After 10 minutes, I ask Lily if we can go outside; maybe I can breathe a fresh new air. Besides, there’s a girl in the other room who is screaming. I take a look around us, every girl who is here is with their girl friends, no boy or men I mean who the hell instructed them to never show up in times of need? One young girl is lying down and rolling in a painful way; her friend is covering her so that she doesn’t get naked because of her movements. On my hand, Lily is doing all she can to distract me.

“Friend, you remember when we were in high school and we dropped the class to just eat donuts,,, hahahaaaa, and then you did this & that ,,,”

It sounds like Chinese language to me, my mind is blank, my body can no longer produce adrenaline; but I try to be present, “Hahhahaa, yeah right? Lily, I’m so scared” with goose bumps

“Don’t worry, everything is gonna be okay. I know you’re strong,”

The last word I want to hear is about strength because at this very moment, my stomach cramps, my legs feel like they’ve run 100 Kilometres and the voice is there in the back of my head: ‘Are you going to survive this time?’ You can’t stop it, it’s like dreams, they move in crazy pieces, any way they want to.

“No, I’m not strong; you know I’m the oldest, imagine if my young sister knew about all these, what example would I have given her?” I mean it! “Mom, hold my hands. Oh, I called you my mom, but you’ve become one anyway.” At this moment I’m thinking of my mother. What if this time I stay on that bed? What story would I have left for her? She would be devastated for sure; I want to give Lily my mom’s message but I know she won’t let me. After some time, another young girl gets out of the dark room, she’s throwing up. Where I’m seated, the fear is blocking my air-ways. It’s frightening to be slowly dying – I feel like my feet are already engraved underground.

“Was it painful?” I ask the young girl, now she’s sitting near me. As someone who has done it several times, I’m daring to ask such questions. You don’t get used to it; the trauma is at 11/10.

She answers with signs.

“Calm down babe, you’ll be okay.” Lily says

Sometimes it seems like life has a definition for us, like everything has been planned from the beginning, and it’s just a matter of time; no matter how you try hard or less, there’s a destiny, and it only turns in the opposite direction to one’s hopes.

I’m denied even drinking water. The doctor comes out, it’s my time.

“Li take this for me” handing Lily my bag but behind those words I’m giving away my soul cause I’m not sure that my body will survive

Life is a mysterious journey, isn’t it? Like life is the dancer, and I am the dance, I don’t know what I mean, I think I read that phrase somewhere and it doesn’t have to make sense, I just feel it.

“Take off your clothes” says the doctor.

We end where we begin. A naked body 

I do get all the sacrifices that I made to make our relationship better though it didn’t work out. It doesn’t mean that I hate him or what; maybe he feels a certain way about what happened, and when he lies to me, I almost still believe in it.

To the people who condemn and look down on us; Let us be safe, be loved, and express our words and needs. Do not judge anybody about anything; after all, you get it when you get it.